Normality of Abnormality

How can you find something you didn’t even know wasn’t there in the first place?

I remember that time where I lost a significant amount of functionality of my wrist. It came one morning where I woke up and experienced what is scientifically called “radial nerve palsy”. Radial nerve palsy, or wrist drop, is when you cannot lift your wrist. When you extend your arm with your palm facing down, you would not be able to lift your wrist so that your fingers point to the ceiling. When you curl your fingers into a fist, you would not be able to uncurl them. That’s what happened to me one Sunday morning in November 2010. I just realized it’s been one year already.

Long story short, I got better right before I left for Leeds. Which was two months later. Well, it was not a full recovery, but I did not need my “X-men” replica splint anymore. I don’t recall when I made a full recovery, but no one was able to tell that I did not have a fully functioning right wrist. My writing was a bit untidy, but that’s nothing new. I actually forgot all the doctor’s notes and documentations back in Canada. Thankfully I didn’t need it.

There are some things in life that we only notice when it’s gone. The simple action of raising my wrist is a blessing. Yet I never consciously think about it. I would always take it for granted, thinking that I’d always be able to do this simple action. In the same way, the ability to walk is a blessing. The ability to talk is a blessing. The ability breathe is a blessing. You never appreciate air until you are underwater.

Then there are times when things have been gone for so long that you don’t remember it anymore. Sometimes, you may have been living in abnormality for so long that abnormality becomes the norm. In my case, it wasn’t that I forgot what it was like to have a functioning wrist, it’s more like I adapted, with the help of a splint. It wasn’t optimal or natural, but it was sufficient. Though my wrist muscles, if I did not regularly exercise them, if I did not remind them that they have a purpose, even when my radial nerve healed, my muscles might not be able function properly. The norm, for them, would be inactivity.

Or in the book “Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi”, the author experienced something that made his heartbeats irregular and irratic. When the doctors discovered what was causing this abnormality and prescribed him some drugs, he exclaimed how amazing it felt when things returned to normal, that he had forgotten what a normal heart beat felt like.

And when those things return, when things are put back into natural order, when things return to their original purpose, it is a beautiful feeling. It is like breaking out of water gasping for breathe. It is like feeling your heart beat return to normal. It’s like the pure sound of a tuned piano after years of neglect. It’s like our purpose here that comes “bursting as if through a mountain of dirt and rock from the end of a tunnel with bad florescent lighting and traffic into sunshine and the blue sky” – David Crowder.

So what is this “original purpose” I am referring to? What has been hidden deep inside us for so long that we’ve forgotten about it and have found ways to adapt? I believe it is a desire to praise. Praise is “the culmination of our enjoyment of anything”, as defined by C. S. Lewis. It may be our enjoyment of milk and cookies, enjoyment of playing guitar, enjoyment of running around the playground, etc. But life came along and many of our childhood joys have been replaced by more “practical” matters. We no longer have time for childhood pleasures.

Not just that, I believe we were created to praise God, to enjoy God and His creation. That is our natural purpose, to live in constant communication with God, to enjoy His presence. It is not a formed/learned habit that takes time to develop, like exercising, eating healthy, or studying. But it is more natural, like eating when you’re hungry, sleeping when you’re tired, breathing, blinking, etc. It is not something that we have to do or that we should do, but it is something that we just naturally do, something we want to do. I believe this purpose is inside all of us. And when we discover it, it will burst forth like a tuned piano, pure and unadulterated, “bursting as if through a mountain of dirt and rock from the end of a tunnel with bad florescent lighting and traffic into sunshine and the blue sky”.

(Inspired by “Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi” – David Crowder)

Carrie

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Belonging-ness

Do humans have a innate desire to belong? Why do we try to follow the crowd? Why do we try to be different? When we try to be different, are we just alingning ourselves with others who try to be different? I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions, but it seems like whatever we do, whatever our choices, it is influenced by others and our desire to belong. Let me explain.

If you know me well enough, I usually try to be different. Not in all things, but for the most part. For example, the main reason I refuse to buy apple products is because they are popular. Because I do not want to belong to that group of consumers (no offence). Though I have other reasons, that can be a post by itself :). I don’t like being generalized and glazed over. In our society and in the workplace, isn’t it better to stand out (in a good way ofcourse)? When you write a resume or cover letter, don’t you want to make it stand out? You don’t want to seem like just an average normal person. But when we try to stand out, when we disconnect ourselves from the general mass, aren’t we just connecting ourselves to various other groups? Meaning, can we really be different? Note that I am not speaking of a hierarchical clustering, for the most part :). For example, I am a person that enjoys reading, spending time by myself, and writing long blog posts that no one has time to read. Yes, by doing so, I am disconnecting myself from the general population, but I am not isolating myself as there actually exists others that have similar interests. In a way, though I try to separate myself from the crowd, I “belong” to another. Is there an actual need to belong somewhere behind this natural segmentation?

When we make choices, like what shirt to wear, what music to listen to, who to talk to, etc., these choices are made based on what group we want to belong to, among other factors, whether if it is a conscious choice or not. Ofcourse, the more long term the results of these decisions are, the more the decision is based on a need to belong. For example, why I listen to the DC*B is because they are so unique and different (plus the music is super duper awesome), which aligns with my desire to be different. I don’t watch Glee because I usually don’t like following pop culture (plus the plot is pointless). A need to belong usually isn’t deemed a positive attribute. For example, Twitter is used as a tool for connection, to obtain affirmation that other people care about us, where a need to belong is expressed publically. Yet there are people, myself included, that joke about that need. However, unconsciously, our need to belong is satisfied, not by belonging to Twitter, but by belonging to “anti-Twitter”. Whether or not it is expressed, I think we all possess this need. Feel free to contradict me though :).

Now that’s all just boring logic that goes on in my mind sometimes. Why I am publicizing my thoughts is because I have recently felt a great desire to belong. After coming back from the UK, I have been trying to connect and reconnect with people, with my friends and family, for obvious survival purposes. Yet, surprisingly, I’ve found it rather difficult. First of all, there are three basic groups of humans that I connect with here, church friends, non-church friends, and family. With church, I am currently transitioning from the Chinese side back to the English side. For the most part, it was because of a lack belonging-ness. Yet returning to the English side has not been as easy as I thought it would be. It’s not the people, it’s just that I need more time. With non-church friends, there are those who are SFU friends and those that are other random people. As I am currently not taking any classes my SFU friends, due to coop, exchange, graduation, etc., I feel rather distant from them. To my other friends, well, Surrey is really far away from anywhere :). With my family, for most of the previous months I’ve been living away from home to help out with a friend. Being away from home certainly doesn’t help.

Now I’m not writing this to complain how no one cares about me. I know you guys do. It’s just that the recent choices I’ve made, albeit necessary, have disconnected me. Sometimes it’s out of personal preference. And because of that, I’ve come to realize the necessity of belonging. To have people around you to remind yourself that you are alive. To have people support you and keep you accountable. To have someone to talk to. Now it’s not all dark and gloomy. I have found some unexpected friendships. I have found that some friendships, surprisingly, have not suffered. And I am really blessed and thankful for them :).

Carrie

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