Do humans have a innate desire to belong? Why do we try to follow the crowd? Why do we try to be different? When we try to be different, are we just alingning ourselves with others who try to be different? I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions, but it seems like whatever we do, whatever our choices, it is influenced by others and our desire to belong. Let me explain.
If you know me well enough, I usually try to be different. Not in all things, but for the most part. For example, the main reason I refuse to buy apple products is because they are popular. Because I do not want to belong to that group of consumers (no offence). Though I have other reasons, that can be a post by itself :). I don’t like being generalized and glazed over. In our society and in the workplace, isn’t it better to stand out (in a good way ofcourse)? When you write a resume or cover letter, don’t you want to make it stand out? You don’t want to seem like just an average normal person. But when we try to stand out, when we disconnect ourselves from the general mass, aren’t we just connecting ourselves to various other groups? Meaning, can we really be different? Note that I am not speaking of a hierarchical clustering, for the most part :). For example, I am a person that enjoys reading, spending time by myself, and writing long blog posts that no one has time to read. Yes, by doing so, I am disconnecting myself from the general population, but I am not isolating myself as there actually exists others that have similar interests. In a way, though I try to separate myself from the crowd, I “belong” to another. Is there an actual need to belong somewhere behind this natural segmentation?
When we make choices, like what shirt to wear, what music to listen to, who to talk to, etc., these choices are made based on what group we want to belong to, among other factors, whether if it is a conscious choice or not. Ofcourse, the more long term the results of these decisions are, the more the decision is based on a need to belong. For example, why I listen to the DC*B is because they are so unique and different (plus the music is super duper awesome), which aligns with my desire to be different. I don’t watch Glee because I usually don’t like following pop culture (plus the plot is pointless). A need to belong usually isn’t deemed a positive attribute. For example, Twitter is used as a tool for connection, to obtain affirmation that other people care about us, where a need to belong is expressed publically. Yet there are people, myself included, that joke about that need. However, unconsciously, our need to belong is satisfied, not by belonging to Twitter, but by belonging to “anti-Twitter”. Whether or not it is expressed, I think we all possess this need. Feel free to contradict me though :).
Now that’s all just boring logic that goes on in my mind sometimes. Why I am publicizing my thoughts is because I have recently felt a great desire to belong. After coming back from the UK, I have been trying to connect and reconnect with people, with my friends and family, for obvious survival purposes. Yet, surprisingly, I’ve found it rather difficult. First of all, there are three basic groups of humans that I connect with here, church friends, non-church friends, and family. With church, I am currently transitioning from the Chinese side back to the English side. For the most part, it was because of a lack belonging-ness. Yet returning to the English side has not been as easy as I thought it would be. It’s not the people, it’s just that I need more time. With non-church friends, there are those who are SFU friends and those that are other random people. As I am currently not taking any classes my SFU friends, due to coop, exchange, graduation, etc., I feel rather distant from them. To my other friends, well, Surrey is really far away from anywhere :). With my family, for most of the previous months I’ve been living away from home to help out with a friend. Being away from home certainly doesn’t help.
Now I’m not writing this to complain how no one cares about me. I know you guys do. It’s just that the recent choices I’ve made, albeit necessary, have disconnected me. Sometimes it’s out of personal preference. And because of that, I’ve come to realize the necessity of belonging. To have people around you to remind yourself that you are alive. To have people support you and keep you accountable. To have someone to talk to. Now it’s not all dark and gloomy. I have found some unexpected friendships. I have found that some friendships, surprisingly, have not suffered. And I am really blessed and thankful for them :).
Carrie
i’m always here for you, i know how you felt, i feel the same way, i felt that all my friends are back in vancouver, my only friend in china is my sister… people here are very fake, i felt that you can’t make friends with anyone that u don’t know who will do something bad on you… i’m trying to fit myself into Chinese culture, don’t worry, time will cure everything :D
Thanks Jennifer! Hope to see you soon! Pray that you can find good friends in China too. Though just remember they can’t possibly be better than us ;).
By the way, I deleted your extra comment :).
finally i found ur blog again, hehe
You’re alive carrie~you’re alive!!!!!! =D So how’s that for accountability? =P. Belongingness…I think its a psychological thing, a thing where you keep reminding yourself that this is where you should be and that these are the people you should interact with. Once you stop telling yourself that, and once you stop interacting with the people, then you disconnect and no longer feel like you “belong” with the group. Maybe thats the case for me so I don’t “belong” “there” anymore but I totally agree that each of us wants to belong somewhere. Travelling definitely takes you away from belongingness and puts you on the spot to feel insecure and adventurous at times. Maybe thats why its tiring and cannot sustain for life (maybe for some it can but for me I can’t. I have to settle down and rest for a while before going again). I guess what I’m saying is once I come back, I’ll probably face the same problems as you. People change, I change, and with it our sense of perception of where we belong.
Thanks Carre =]
Thanks Kathy =]